July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. He is also very critical of both of US If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . lets_be_honest Huge!! But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. I think she may have deactivated. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). Hes putting her down. Definitely. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. I mean ever. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! Who knows? People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Oh, This Old House. Then my partner came along. So, here is the thing. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. Exactly Lily! When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. But it isnt you guys against him. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . . In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. My parents werent interested in that stuff. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. We are this little team of 2. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. Good stuff all around! lets_be_honest lets_be_honest The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. lets_be_honest Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. He is clearly not getting the message. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. bittergaymark lets_be_honest She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. Haha! My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. This is exactly my experience, too. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). I think this is a great point. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Is there crap out there? Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Anything! My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki No. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. Thanks temp! I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. lets_be_honest I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. But mom, dont do the us versus him. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. EL ESPIRITU DETRAS DE LA PUERTA - Facebook And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. is the crux of your real issues here. Theres no excuse for that. ). It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. Awesome. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Addie Pray Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. You're surely not alone. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. Is it forcing or is it parenting? One activity we all enjoyed!!!! temperance Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. bittergaymark And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. He also occasionally went to movies with us. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. Id love to hang out with her. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Hey, that kind of worked for me. Skyblossom Ha! for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. 6napkinburger And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Tell her how much he appreciates it. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. It cant be. YUCK. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. This is a throw away account. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . Others see him as a bully and a hole. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. Awesome show full of information. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Continue with Recommended Cookies. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this.
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